How to pick up porteñas….. NOT!



I recently had this conversation with a girl at a party.

nathan: it’d be nice to hang out sometime
her: totally
nathan: your friend has my info
her: what?
nathan: uhmm… like… if you want to…
her: you look tired
nathan: but i…
her: go to bed

I decided it was high time to figure out how to pick up girls and where else to go but the internet. Porteños (people from Buenos Aires) are always telling me that Porteñas (their fairer counterparts) are the most beautiful women in the world, so I would need some very special help to get me through this.


Here I recommend three diverse articles that might help.

Nightlife in Buenos Aires: Hooking up with a Porteña by A.J. Hayes

Favorite Quote: Even if you honestly can’t speak one word… suck it up and learn a few key phrases like “my Spanish is very bad” (“mi castellano es muy malo”) and “if you want, you can practice your English with me” (“si quieres, tu puedes practicar tu ingles conmigo”).

Caveat: While these techniques can be used by anyone, those are not the one night stand photos I’d post on my blog…

Picking Up Girls in B.A. Know How by Diva

Favorite Quote: Here are some examples possible situations and the correct way (I mean the porteño I-can-F…-them-all way) to behave.

Caveat: Diva has no experience in picking up girls. This may only work for picking up Diva.

Sex in Buenos Aires by David Stone

Favorite Quote: Next thing I knew, she emerged from my bathroom wearing nothing but a Sheraton bathrobe, albeit not for long.

Caveat: This approach may only work with prostitutes.

Now with all my questions answered I feel prepared to go out into the big wide world to win over the girl of my dreams! Though actually now that I think about it it sounds like a lot of trouble… It’s the long weekend and I’ll probably stay home and paint or draw or make games or something…

18 replies
  1. Frank Almeida
    Frank Almeida says:

    So your left with learning to speak Spanish, ignore them or treat them like you can take them or leave them, or just pony up with the cash. After reading all of these Diva actually sounds like she knows quite a bit about picking up women. Of course it has been many years since I have had to worry about that sport. I just wanted to pitch in and urge you to follow Diva´s advice. Don´t stay in! Go out there. You gotta swing at the ball if you want to eventually hit it out of the ballpark. My second vote would be for the Spanish classes. I can see where that could work. Anyway, good luck, God´s speed, and may the force be with you.

  2. Diva
    Diva says:

    jajajja, you are right, I have no experience in picking up girls, but my suggestions were based on my experienece and my friend´s experience. Anyway, I cannot remember what I wrote about picking up girls, I´ll take a look at it and then I´ll come back.
    Hey, you know what, I think that the first step for you to pick up girls is to cut your hair, you look good with short hair.

  3. Alan Patrick
    Alan Patrick says:

    I have first hand experience of a Nathan attempt to pick up a girl, and let me just say, it wasn’t pretty (although the girl most certainly was). Alas, I am no better at it, but like Frank, I’m out of that game.

    Anyway Nathan, you are not staying in this weekend – you said you would come to the party on Saturday night! So a chance to put what you have learned into action, maybe?

    Oh and Frank/Diva, you are also invited to the party, of course. The invitation and details are on my blog:

    I have no idea if it will be any good, but the drinks are cheap, and it’s for charidee, so that’s a good start I guess.

  4. exnat
    exnat says:

    Awesome comments all and they seem to mesh.

    Frank, Alan apparently has my social life covered so we’re good in that department.

    Diva, I was actually going to get my hair cut today but instead I paid rent and got my DNI!!! That’s right!!! I’m legal!!!! 😀

    Alan, “Here’s my number so perhaps we can go shopping for yarn together” is an AWESOME line. She’ll call me… some day… damn.

  5. Alan Patrick
    Alan Patrick says:

    “Here’s my number so perhaps we can go shopping for yarn together”

    Nathan, how could I forget… you used that line on me the first night we met!!!

  6. exnat
    exnat says:


    Tricky. Secretly (or not so secretly) all expats want to be the Lover expats. I haven’t really checked out the dating scene here yet. When I have enough experience to write about this I will.

  7. Karine
    Karine says:

    Gosh just one word to say that I agree with Diva!! Nathan… short hair fits you well!!! Go cut your hair and I want to see u Tuesday with the new hair cut 🙂
    Oki then who’s gonna write about picking up Porteños now? Ok I’m in a relation with my sweet Argentine boyfriend, but nonetheless I’m curious to learn how it is to pick up guys here..hey Diva feel tempted to write about that? Or maybe Nathan.. why not? After all, Diva wrote about picking up girls no? … so what’d u say Nathan?

  8. exnat
    exnat says:


    Thanks for the comment and thanks for reading. I think you’re right. It’s definitely an advantage.

    And now that I’ve got the song “Looking for love in all the wrong places” stuck in my head, maybe I should out the real reason for writing the post. It’s not that I’ve been trying to pick up girls and it’s not working. I left the States trying to get some distance from a relationship that went badly. For the past 2 years I’ve been hung up on a girl back home and I’m just now coming out of that haze. It’s been a very long time but I’m just beginning to become emotionally available. Up till now I haven’t really been looking and I’ve been out of “the scene” long enough that I thought this would be a funny article to write.

    I thought all three of those articles are funny but for different reasons and they’re especially funny together.

  9. Cieguilla
    Cieguilla says:

    Personal is good, at least in my opinion 🙂

    I would imagine Buenos Aires is a good place to get over the past. Let us know how you get on!

  10. tinatangos
    tinatangos says:

    You could always learn tango like the guy in the movie my latest blog entry talks about… 😉

    Honestly, I think that when you meet the right person, there is no formula or specific “way” to do it. It just happens however it happens. If she likes you she likes you, and vice versa.

    My Porteño boyfriend and I got together in the most unorthodox circumstances and we totally went against all rules and methods as we formed our bond – a year later we’re still together and our relationship has taken place in three different continents (we’re both perpetual expats no matter where we are)… so, ya just never know.

    Suerte!… or in Italian, in bocca al lupo!

  11. Deby
    Deby says:

    Hmmmm, you should check my blog…I write about the men and the women. But you never know, on my birthday came the best present of all – Phillippe – the craziest Argentine in the country and absolutely perfect for me.

  12. exnat
    exnat says:

    Hey Deby,

    Welcome to the Dear Abby section of my blog. I really like your article about paying and about canceling a date. It sucks not to know these things. I just hope that portenas realize that I don’t know their rules. I’ve definitely had my share of girls here getting mad at me for no reason I could understand.

  13. Martini
    Martini says:

    Hey Nathan,

    Long time no see or talk. I am going to get caught up on your life over the next few days. It sounds like you are loving your new home. I am sure Dave keeps you up on the latest Choices News but if he hasn’t let me know and I will spill! We miss you here.


  14. Tini Cid
    Tini Cid says:

    Love the blog, first time commenter, and a “Lover” ex pat myself.

    And I have to say I dont envy you mens at all when it comes to picking up Portenas… every time I go out at night, the clubs look like an 8th grade dance– with guys on one side and groups of girls on the other.
    But you know, for as distant as the women appear to be in public they must be hooking up with somebody, because Im practically tripping over babies everytime I leave the house. Go figure.

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